Who needs employees when you have employ-trees

So today at work my colleague Monique and I decided to put the office pot plants on people's chairs. This is the craziness that ensued.

We gave them tree names (a variation of the real person's name) like Kimbertree the Branch Manager.I even wrote it down in my diary. I laughed about it later that night!

Corné and Twakkie

I went to watch the Corné and Twakkie show at the Baxter knowing exactly what I was getting myself into. I watched TMAS (The Most Amazing Show) when it was on and I was in the mood. The TV series revolved around two typical thick South Africans who appear trapped in a 1970’s wormhole with mullets, vests and hot pants to boot.

 

The first half of the show was great, filled with many great lines including ‘The Carpet of Mis-direction. Where is it? Where is it? There it is.” Corné and Twakkie were a lot more political than I remember them being in their series, but then they were filming for SABC (the national broadcaster) so maybe they had to keep the government-bashing down a little bit.

Unfortunately the intensity seemed to slip a bit in the second half. They seemed to arb around a lot, and decided to do some crowd climbing including kissing the audience and jumping on them. It was about as awkward as you are probably imaging it right now. Having a sweaty, middle-aged man with a fake moustache shoving his face onto mine was not the best theatrical experience of my life.

I understand what they were doing; at least I hope I do. It’s about pushing your audience, comedy often lives in the extreme and so comedians have to make bold choices. Nobody laughs at the comedian who doesn’t take risks. And sometimes it pays off and sometimes it doesn’t that’s just how it is. Will Ferrell is the perfect example, sometimes hilarious, sometimes ridiculous, sometimes a bit too far.

Despite my leniency to the comedic extreme I think Corne and Twakkie went a bit too far down the garden path on that one, but that’s what makes their act. Pushing the audience to love it or hate it.

The problem with colours

Did you know… that the US army used to use colour blind people to search for the enemy. Colour blind people were actually able to see camouflaged vehicles and people more easily than full-sighted people who were simply fooled by the colours. I really could never have imagined anyone who had impaired eyesight being very good at spotting the enemy. That makes no sense, it’s almost like having a deaf composer, oh wait, wasn’t his name Beethoven.

Another story is that of Oscar Pistorius, a South African athlete whose legs had to be amputated when he was a child. Oscar has broken many records at both a disabled and fully-abled level. He was in fact not allowed to take part in the Olympics because the IAAF thought his prosthetics gave him too much advantage. If you think rationally about that it is almost hilarious that the person without legs was seen to have a bigger advantage in a track race than a person with both legs.

It seems as though sometimes what is perceived to be better is in fact worse. We become so conditioned to what is supposed to be better that we overlook the rest. What is interesting to note is that, especially in the case of the colour-blind soldiers, what was seen to be a strength was a clear weakness. The full-sighted soldiers ability to see clearly in fact clouded their vision. They were distracted by colours and so stopped focusing on what was totally important. It was the colour-blind people who were in fact able to disregard the useless information in order to get what is truly important. Often we put so too much emphasis on what we see as important and what we see as strength that we allow it to cripple us.

Often achievement does not always lie in our strengths, often the true strength lies in a weakness. A great example of that is Moses, a person that God appointed to be a prophet to Israel and to give them the Law, and to lead them out of Egypt. Firstly Moses had a speech impediment which might be a problem when trying to tell all of Israel what God is saying. Also Moses was a murderer who went into hiding in the desert and so was probably not a prime candidate to get given the Ten Commandments. Yet despite all of these problems and obvious flaws God chose to us Moses as a prophet and many amazing and miraculous things occurred during his life.

To me it is so encouraging that God so easily uses people’s flaws for His glory. In 2 Corinthians 12 v. 9 Paul says “but He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

“When I am weak then I am strong”. That verse is so powerful; that God can not only use our weakness, but that His power is made perfect in weakness. That means that God looks for weakness, for broken people and they make His power perfect. It’s not the people who get it right all the time, or the people who have enormous talents and abilities.

The whole thing actually scares me quite a lot, because I’m very comfortable with what I’m good at and would really like God to use my strengths. But if God had to start using my weaknesses I would only be able to rely on Him and that He would bring me through situations. I think that as we grow with God we can only start transforming our weaknesses into strengths as God uses them so much.

Christians often focus on gifts and understanding what God has gifted you in so that you can go and do that. I’m not against gifts in any way, but often they don’t look the way we expect them to. Perhaps God has gifted us with a brilliant social awkwardness, or amazingly bushy eyebrows, or a voice from a frog. Those don't seem like gifts at all, and yet what we see throughout the Scriptures is that God uses the people who suck. That the very nature of the people that God chooses to use are those who don’t have the best abilities or looks. Jesus himself was not even good looking; in Isaiah 53 it says “there was no beauty or majesty to attract us to him.” God seeks the people with problems, and that is tremendous as I've got a lot of those.

So my challenge to you is to not only rejoice in your inadequacies and weaknesses, but to allow God to use all of you; not just your strengths but your bushy eyebrows and frog voice too.

The Perpetuation of Creativity and Art

I went to go watch Exit Through the Gift Shop, a documentary style film directed by Banksy focusing on street art. I really enjoyed the film and the questions that it posed.

The main question for me was ‘how do we value art?’. Is it simply made important because of what the public and critics think? Is it the artist and his specific voice? Or is it the art itself? In Exit Through the Gift Shop Thierry Guetta, a Frenchman with no art experience or skill, creates an art exhibition that is only made popular by endorsements by Banksy and other street artists. Suddenly he is in magazines and doing interviews even though he can’t make art.

Art is very difficult to value as it is simply someone’s expression and I think this is Banksy’s point. The popular culture feed off what others are saying, what is in trendy magazines, what is on MTV. We base our opinion so heavily on what others think and how others value something.

Slap a $30 000 price tag on a piece of art and put it in a trendy gallery and watch it sell. In making it about the money we can often ignore what the artist is saying. It becomes dollars and cents and ceases to be expression and creativity. Success for the artist is not in money, but rather in being able to express a part of oneself.

An artist must move against culture, searching for new ways to express oneself. It is the perpetuation of creativity. An artist discovers a new way of expressing themselves and at first culture ignores or scorns them, but slowly people see an original and new expression and suddenly it becomes cool, and this forces the artist to move on. The arts will always be evolving trying to stay out of reach of popular culture.

Job 19

²⁵"As for me, I know that my Redeemer lives,
         And at the last He will take His stand on the earth.
²⁶Even after my skin is destroyed,
         Yet from my flesh I shall see God;
²⁷Whom I myself shall behold,
         And whom my eyes will see and not another.
         My heart faints within me!

Sokkie

This past weekend myself and a couple of friends went to watch the George 7s. We had a great weekend of beer and rugby and talking about manly things.

On the Friday night we decided to hit up a jol at De Dekke, an Afrikaans sokkie/bar in Grootbrak. A sokkie is an Afrikaans dance; men go up to women who sit on the outside of the dancefloor and ask them to dance. Its very ‘Pride and Prejudice’ meets ‘Bakgat!’.

I really enjoy sokkie’ing. Some people think its outdated and weird that men have to go around asking girls to dance, but I think its great. I like that men have to get up and take some initiative and ask a girl they don’t know to dance. And I like the fact that girls feel wanted, that guys would come up to them and ask them to dance. And I like a basic dance with very few rules and super-cheesy Afrikaans treffers. Basically ‘ek hou van sokkie’.

This photo was taken by my friend Pri. I didn't ask if I can use it but I'm sure its fine, especially if I add a link to her other stuff http://bit.ly/hTX6ls

anyone lived in a pretty how town

anyone lived in a pretty how town
(with up so floating many bells down)
spring summer autumn winter
he sang his didn't he danced his did.

Women and men (both little and small)
cared for anyone not at all
they sowed their isn't they reaped their same
sun moon stars rain

children guessed (but only a few
and down they forgot as up they grew
autumn winter spring summer)
that noone loved him more by more

when by now and tree by leaf
she laughed his joy she cried his grief
bird by snow and stir by still
anyone's any was all to her

someones married their everyones
laughed their cryings and did their dance
(sleep wake hope and then)they
said their nevers they slept their dream

stars rain sun moon
(and only the snow can begin to explain
how children are apt to forget to remember
with up so floating many bells down)

one day anyone died i guess
(and noone stooped to kiss his face)
busy folk buried them side by side
little by little and was by was

all by all and deep by deep
and more by more they dream their sleep
noone and anyone earth by april
with by spirit and if by yes.

Women and men (both dong and ding)
summer autumn winter spring
reaped their sowing and went their came
sun moon stars rain

e.e. cummings

Sport fans =Twilight'ers

Supersport, a channel and website designed for sport lovers, seems the least likely advertising platform for advertising a movie for lonely girls with a proclivity towards men who glitter.

Uhmm...no

I went onto twitter and saw a suggestion that I follow @Julius_S_Malema. I thought it was another fake twitter account telling people to take their tendencies somewhere else, and clicked through. This is what I found.

Life and death of Muscle-John (the nickname)

I felt that this is necessary for the four people in South Africa who ever called me Muscle-John or knew my previous Muscle-John blog.

I am no longer Muscle-John because it sounds kinda wrestler/ body builder/ porn star. And seeing as I cover none of those topics on my blog, I decided to just use the name that people call me ‘MJ’ or ‘Michael-John’. Muscle-John originated from helping a female friend lift a bucket of water.

To be honest I don’t really mind what people call me, whether its MJ or Michael-John. I like the name Michael-John but am also in favour of nicknames so don’t mind too much. When I answer the phone I say “Michael-John hello” which sometimes surprises people, but that’s because I grew up saying that.

Other nicknames include: MoJo, NoJo, Monkey-John, Mickey, Mikey, Mike, Michael (which isn’t really a nickname as it is half my name), M, and M-donkey.

Two Jack Handey quotes that made me laugh today

Soldering Iron of Justice
If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like ‘Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!’ and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, ‘That's right, it's a soldering iron. The Soldering Iron of Justice.’

Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the Soldering Iron of Justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

Jack-O-Lantern
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell.

When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

It's in everything

"But you're wrong if you think that the joy of life comes principally from human relationships. God's placed it all around us. It's in everything. It's in anything we can experience. People just need to change the way they look at those things." - Alexander Supertramp in Into the Wild

where i find my brokeness

i find my brokeness in the tears of a stranger,
in the downcast eyes of a friend,
in the young and the old, in the sick and the lame
for their infirmities are obvious to all

i find my brokeness in a story of loss,
of despair and dead hopes.
i find my brokeness in a face filled with sorrow,
where death has become the only solution to life.

but yet to all these findings there appears one truth,
that my brokeness is not my own but that of the world,
for if i were to find my own brokeness in myself,
it would break my heart.

Sweetheart

Yesterday I went to the premiere for a sci-fi short film called Sweetheart. The film stars Inge Beckmann (ex Lark lead singer, current herself singer) as a housewife who goes in search of her missing family in a type of post-rapture world where only a few people are left behind.

The film was made by the production company De Phat Motel, and was especially noted by friends and other people enjoying the open bar for its great cinematography. Its great to see what is coming through in the SA film community, and also helps to get me off my butt and writing again.

This weekend (3 and 4 December) is the Rly Shrt Flm Fstvl, which features 5 minute films from a range of film makers and is going to be rad. The screenings are taking place at &Union so go check it out if you can before tickets sell out.

What I do at work

People are always asking me "MJ what do you do?". I reply that I am a copy-writer. This makes them think of copyrights and then they think I'm a lawyer, but I'm not. I write for websites.

But sometimes I don't write, and when I'm not writing I'm growing my moustache, getting mug shots taken and walking in a V formation with colleagues.

These are a few photos from the end of Movember.

Baffled audience as the Oprah Show is hit by the recession

Oprah Winfrey’s show, ‘the Oprah show’ named after her own mis-spelt name, has recently fallen into financial difficulty as a result of the economic recession.

The Angel Fund Network, a philanthropic group started by Oprah, has been forced to make cut-backs this year and instead of giving South African children education and housing, a balloon and ‘good luck’ badge were seen as sufficient.

When asked whether her own failure to have children due to her career-driven attitude and old age was one of the key reasons for her insensitivity toward the South African children’s plight, Oprah was quoted as saying “yes”.

The recession has forced Oprah to start thinking of new ways of marketing herself. Following the trend of Brangelina and TomKat, she has decided that her and her boyfriend will now be known as Oprend, an amalgamation of her name, Oprah, and his name, Oprah’s Boyfriend.

In further cost cutting, Oprah was forced to substitute her best friend Gayle for the West Indian cricket captain Chris, who was seen to be a much lower cost best friend.

At the recent giveaway show the audience were rather surprised when instead of last year’s free wheelchairs for everyone in the audience, Oprah shouted out “if y’all look under your chairs you’ll see each one of you has a chair under your chair”. The crowd still cheered like delirious drunks at a dance-off competition, until the panado-addicted housewives realized that they had only won a chair and sat down dejectedly.

Paulie, the cripple who had come to the show to receive a much needed wheelchair, said “a wheelchair would have really helped me, but I understand the recession has hit us all hard, and I’m sure Ms.Wind-free is really struggling.” Nobody corrected Paulie’s mistake though because we all felt sorry that he hadn’t received a free wheelchair.

Connect with Michael-John
If you'd like to connect with me follow me on twitter at @MJPhillip , and on Google + by going through to my Google Plus page.

Mammoth Mess-Up as Conservatives take on the Bohemians

Once again the fundamentalists and the hippies were at odds with one another at the local ‘Mammoth Eating Competition’ this weekend. The competition, which was run by the local Hippies Unified by Guns Society (HUGS), was held in support of world hunger. The hippies came out in full force in their attempt to alleviate world hunger and although it was unsure how hippies gorging themselves for an afternoon was going to affect world hunger or why the Gun Society would be involved, nobody wanted to seem like a prophet of doom and no objections were raised.

The slogan for the event read “eat a lot, and save a child” and that’s what they did, or at least tried to until the fundamentalists arrived. Led by world renowned spiritual leader, Frank, they started yelling at the HUGS members calling them “murderers” and “overweight” and other names as well. The fight really got out of hand when Frank started launching toasters at the hippies, and the police had to be called in to calm down the agitation.

It was later determined that Frank had misunderstood the intention of the competition and thought that the hippies were eating real mammoths. Frank later released a statement saying “when I heard that the hippies were going to be eating the mammoth I got upset. Ever since Mindy the Mammoth came to me during a peyote-induced dream and revealed to me the secrets of life, I have fought to protect their sacred species. Now that I know they just meant ‘a large amount’, all is forgiven and one day we’ll be able to look back on this day and laugh.”

Heaven ain't no fish and chips

My Uncle Rod once said that almost everyone would be a Christian if all you had to do to get into heaven was crawl on your knees for a kilometer. And I agree.

Not because crawling on your knees is fun, but at least you know that once you're done with your kilometer you've made it. The problem with Christianity is that there isn't anything you can do to get there. You have to wake up everyday, pick up your cross and follow Him. And what does that look like? Is it going to be a missionary in China? Or an IT programmer in Cape Town? Or a car mechanic in Johannesburg?

I guess that's where faith is supposed to come in. We're supposed to have the 'give-everything-to-Jesus' attitude, but one thing I've learned is that Christians don't come pre-programmed with this attitude. It's very tough to stop trying to be in control, because if you let go who is going to be in control? Crawling on your knees gives you control. You can do it at your own pace, and you can see an end to it. I like crawling on my knees.

But at the same time there is something really beautiful about the fact that you can't just crawl to heaven. Imagine finding a beautiful woman or muscular man (?) and falling in love, and then saying “I'll crawl for a kilometer now, and then in 50 years we can go for fish and chips”.

Now heaven is no fish and chips, but to me if I've found someone or something beautiful then I'd want to hang out with them as much as possible. I'd want to spend all my time getting to know them. Crawling anywhere would be a waste of time and wouldn't get me any closer to actually figuring out who they are. I'd like to go out for fish and chips with them now.