Two Jack Handey quotes that made me laugh today

Soldering Iron of Justice
If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like ‘Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!’ and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, ‘That's right, it's a soldering iron. The Soldering Iron of Justice.’

Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the Soldering Iron of Justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

Jack-O-Lantern
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell.

When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.