MJandey

My friend Brett Fish and I have started writing one liners. Some based on Jack Handy-esque comedy and others not. He's calling his Brett Andy and I'm MJandey. Here are a few of the ones I've written.

                                                                                                         

Sometimes I hear voices in my head saying "35, 36, 37, 38...". The first time it freaked me out. Then I realised its the thoughts that count.

When life hands you lemons pretend they're guavas and say 'these guavas look a bit yellow. I'm going to leave them out to ripen'. Then put them on a table and slowly walk away.

You can never put enough pepper on your food, unless you taste it and think to yourself "ah I wish I hadn't put so much pepper on my food"

A trip comes before a fall.

I don’t like people without feet. Some call me lack-toes intolerant. 

Love is like a salmon swimming up a rushing stream, fighting every inch of its way up the river, disregarding every obstacle, no matter how many times it gets pushed backwards. No wait thats perseverance. Love is when you really like someone.

                                                                                                       

Here are a few Brett Andy's:

“I’ll bet rock, paper, scissors was a lot less fun before scissors were invented. And paper.”

“I don’t understand why they call them miners when most of them are over 18. Probly cos they can’t drink while underground.”

“Last nite i dreamt i ate a giant marshmallow and when i woke up my pillow was on the floor next to my bed. It probly got knocked off during the night i imagine.”

For more of Brett Andy go to http://brettfish.wordpress.com/2011/04/05/brett-andy-vote-for-your-favourite/

Chuckle o' the day

It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was running to go fight in another fight, away from the first fight.

Jack Handey
                                                                                          

This chuckle also makes me think of the band Frightened Rabbit who are totally rad and you should totally listen to them if you haven't yet. They have been my band of choice to wake up to at work in the morning. That makes them cool. Well not really, they were probably cool before then, plus they're Scottish so they come pre-cooled.

Chuckle o' the day

 Today's chuckle came from Jack Handey, my source of funny when work is getting boring and I need a good laugh.
                                                                                         

"I'll take that little one, way in the back," I said. "That little collie mix?" said the animal shelter guy. "No," I said, "the other one behind him." "The gray terrier?" he said. "He's gray," I said, "but way in the back, in the corner." "You mean the water faucet?" he said. I realized then it was a water faucet, but I didn't want to look like a jerk, so I said, "Yeah, that's the one I want." It ended up costing me almost five hundred dollars to get that faucet removed. But you know, I've still got that faucet, and I wouldn't trade it for any dog in the world.

Schmappy Schmalentine's Day

So I wasn't going to do anything for Schmalentine's Day, mainly because I don't have a girlfriend but also because its a bit of a corny way to ask a girl out on a date. However I got chatting to some mates yesterday and they said I should just give something to a girl anyway to make her feel special. So this is what I did.

I wrote a card and left it in her drawer at work with a chocolate. The card had a picture of a whale saying "Whale you be my Valentine?" and a dolphin saying "Dolphinitely". I stole the joke but she won't know. I also wished her good luck because thats polite. Check out those sick art skills. I think that was the first time an animal has looked anything like it is supposed to.

On the back of the card I told her the best love story I know. Its the story about Uncle Caveman.

When I was a kid my favourite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

I am what some people call 'a romantic'.

Chuckle o' the day

I guess we were kinda poor when we were kids, but we didn't know it. That's because my dad always refused to let us look at the family's financial records.

Go away crazy Dracula man

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear your partner has been turned into Dracula. Next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham! You just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, 'Think again, batman'.


Jack Handey